From Tin Blaskovic on Thu, 06 Jun 1996 13:49:44 -0400
Yes! Nasao sam... ------------------------------------------------------------------- The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh wise, magnificent, splendid, too-cool-for-words, > always-in-thright-place-at-the-right-time Oracle: > > What if Data (from Star Trek Next Generation) were Microsoft Windows > compatible? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead. } } PICARD: On screen. } } [The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each } only a single pixel wide.] } } PICARD: Data, what's wrong here? } } DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video } memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select } a lower resolution? } } PICARD: Make it so. } } [The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square } pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan } warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space } Invaders.] } } PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans. } } DATA: Aye, sir. } } [Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, } and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons } on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of } light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.] } } WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain! } } PICARD: Shields up! } } DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your } last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before } you issue your next command. } } PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want } those shields up *right now*. } } DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your } last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before } you issue your next command. } } LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data. } } [Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the } floor.] } } DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to } cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this } communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any } information sent by the Romulans. } } [LaForge pulls Data's left ear.] } } PICARD: Shields... } } [There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all } the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts } from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away } from the console.] } } PICARD: Up, Data! } } DATA: Aye, sir. } } RIKER: All decks, damage report! } } WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be } unconscious. } } [Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and } punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the } hourglass back on the floor.] } } DATA: Shields are now up, captain. } } PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead } Romulan ship. } } WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.] } } PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action. } } DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver } installed for that console. } } PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one. } } DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril. } } PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants? } } RIKER: I left them with Geordi. } } LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought you still had them! } } PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal } memory? } } DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right } nostril. } } PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1. } } DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail? } } PICARD: Abort! } } DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail? } } PICARD: Well, fail, then! } } DATA: Current nose is no longer valid. } } [Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship } lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side } of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming } from somewhere else in the ship.] } } LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing? } } PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data? } } RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold } for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person } wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized } in industrial control robots. } } [Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all } the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a } few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the } console, absolutely motionless.] } } PICARD: What's going on? } } LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a } General Protection Violation in the warp engine core. } } PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do } anything with them. } } [The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in } full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a } Ferengi, appears moments later.] } } FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh, } Captain? } } You owe the Oracle a little model of the Enterprise, with an "Intel } Inside" sticker on it.Watch out for more...